more than a bird

2010-07-28T13:35:00.002-05:00

I had a friend who wondered out loud what her animals did during the day while everyone was at work. It was after she left her job to be a stay at home mom when she expressed her disappointment, she said her animals do the same thing that they do in the evening and night -- sleep.

My trio is no different, this is them the majority of the time. The only exception is when you ask the dog to get her toy, then she picks a cat to chase around the house.

Yes I named him, don't be dumb

2010-04-26T12:16:00.003-05:00

I have a lot running through my head but not enough time to put it all into words, so instead lets enjoy a shorter story.

My animals have a heart, and sixth sense, for the pregnant. This usually plays out with pregnant cats, which is how we managed to get our Tuna George (later shortened to just "Tuna" since we found out he was a girl). Well recently Tuna and Peaches (my pup) wanted to spend an unusual amount of time outdoors...I immediately knew they had made friends, but what whom, or what, i was unsure.

One day I put the dog out and upon going to retrieve her I saw a black and white haired, something... upon closer inspection I found a very pregnant opossum hoping for an invitation indoors. She just stuck her little nose up against the window...and waited. I screamed and yelled, hooted and hollered, and unfazed she slowly moved her attention elsewhere.

We found out the next day that she has a boyfriend, and that they are very content living in our back yard. I am not. After a trip to the humane society, a trap was set. So far we've caught the male....our pregnant girlie has gone MIA. This is not amusing....

An observation

2010-04-09T16:22:00.001-05:00

I love listening to interviews with authors. Over the years I have found a common trend: characters are not created, they just are. Much like a casting director picking the leads for the latest flick, there may be age, weight, and race requirements for a given role, however the personality of the individual is not dictated. The author can pick the characters, lay out the setting and the situation, and then they remove their hands from the keyboard and let their characters react. They allow their characters have free will over the story they're writing and instead of writing about what will happen, they write about what did happen. This is important. After an author is asked about a character they often respond, "She led me" or "He surprised me when he." When that happens you can see the author completely removes themself from the actual actions of the character. I believe at times the author had hoped for things to unfold a specific way but despite the wrong turns and missteps they don't give up on their characters. The author reacts to the characters choices and nudges them down a different path, ultimately leaving the outcome and ending up to those characters.

just a little bit closer

2010-03-29T13:09:00.007-05:00

Things have been busier than normal and much busier than I would like. In my head creating these purses was going to take no time at all, in reality it's been a slow process. I often realize I am short of something I need and have to go to the store before I can proceed any further. I have created one purse (technically two but the first is not fit for a home) and have decided I am going to have to work on 5 purses at once and complete all purses one step at a time, opposed to working on one purse start to finish before going to the next. If I do things this way I can have 6 completed purses within two weeks, which I am content with.

As of late...

2010-03-22T11:52:00.002-05:00

Spring is here!...kind of
Sunday date: homemade pizza and sugar cookies. Life is sweet.

Let me paint a picture of how this is unfolding

2010-03-15T12:44:00.002-05:00

I said "I don't own a sewing machine" and a friend I haven't talked to in years offered to let me borrow hers.

I said "I don't have enough burlap sacks" and a local coffee shop contacted me willing to sell their bags for next to nothing.

I said "I can't afford another yard of trim" and my mom graciously gave me enough to make 3 bags.

I said "I'll never have time" and Sunday at noon my mom left, I had finished all of the cleaning the day before and didn't have anything else on my to-do list.

Before I could wonder if there would be any interest I already had an order list.

I'd argue that this is more than a gentle nudge, a path has been made. I'm excited to see what happens next.

Success!

2010-03-07T10:45:00.000-06:00

I bought a lot of previously used burlap coffee bean bags with the goal of making purses. This weekend I finally had the time (and resources-thanks mom!) to make this aspiration an accomplishment.

I hope my taste transcends to shoppers and I can produce other bags as a fundraiser that has been weighing heavily on my heart. To be continued...

2010-02-24T12:51:00.000-06:00

I've avoided this...

My desk is piled high with good intentions, however to show you what I've accomplished this month would take no time at all. All of a sudden I was reminded why I don't do art, because I am so busy. And when I get a chance to crash on the couch and have that last hour in my day spent mindlessly watching American Idol, I choose to spend it mindlessly watching American Idol.

I've got excuses for why I haven't been able to do what I dream about...well there really are only two excuses: 1. I don't have all the resources I need or 2. I need a couple more hours in my day.

So those pictures I promised will be taken someday. Hopefully soon.

Loving February

2010-01-30T13:18:00.000-06:00

I am excited about this loving month. Art is something I have almost completely abandoned and I am sad I have left it behind.

For the month of February I am challenging myself to work on something everyday that requires me to be creative.

Thus far I have set up these challenges:
-Something for grandma, buying my charcoal board today!
-My faux-mural for the living room (not sure what to call it)
-Finishing reupholstering my chair
-A piece reflecting this: "you were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight." per little miss Amanda

Updates will be posted!

2010-01-26T09:35:00.000-06:00

What a huge blessing: I have the same students as last semester! I have 3 new faces and 17 familiar ones. I was so happy to see them again, and they too were excited to see me.

My co-teacher is wonderful and I can tell that he will do great! I hope that he doesn't get overwhelmed with the task at hand.

Have I mentioned that I love Mondays?

The cycle repeats...

2010-01-24T20:43:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful for Mondays. While so many dread the end of Sunday, I look forward to it's passing. Tomorrow I will have a new class, new students, and the same ole lesson plans.

I have now taught English for a year and love it as much as I did my first day. This semester I hope to do things differently, I really want to get to know my students: learn their family member's names, treat them to dinner, see how I can help them. If you think of me please pray about this, I want to do more than teach this semester, I want to show them I care.

mmm hhmmm

2010-01-14T12:33:00.000-06:00

jealously

2010-01-14T12:25:00.000-06:00

Something that has stuck with me:
Someone once told me that jealousy is often seen as a negative trait but that's not always the case. When we truely care about something, hold it dear, and want to protect it, we can find ourselves jealous if someone tries to take that away from us. Sometimes we are called to hold on tight to those things that matter and jealousy is simply the emotion that will spring us into action.

2009-12-24T15:01:00.000-06:00

This week things have moved a little slower. There has been no rush to finish our meals, instead we relish in our time together and take the time to talk about all the things on our minds. Warm holiday wishes are shared to all with our coming and going.

Small towns are lined with snow, car doors are left unlocked, and you enter all homes through the side door.

This has been a change in scenery and attitude.

This holiday has been much needed.

2009-12-14T16:19:00.000-06:00

Looking around the Interweb I found this gem:

This is Casper, and this friendly ghost is holding his momentary pet, which happens to be my favorite episode. Growing up whenever I visited my grandparents I would spend my days re-watching a collection of Casper VHS's neatly stowed away underneath the TV. The fox episode was always my favorite.

This Christmas season I am traveling over the river and through the woods to visit Grandma and Granddaddy again. I'm a bit nervous about the hop-scotching across multiple states, more for the stress of my body than the stress on my car or mental state. I look forward to this journey. I hope there is snow and my own little fox waiting for me at the end.

Utterly honest

2009-12-03T16:33:00.000-06:00

But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:34-39, ESV

The other week a homeless man sat in his wheelchair at the entrance of a popular restaurant in the area. Cars would turn in from the busy street and would have to quickly steer away to avoid hitting him. My first thought, to be utterly honest, was "I wonder if he's here everyday?" all thought with a tone of who is he to expect to get free handouts daily. I was humbled with an answer: "Didn't you eat yesterday? Are you not hungry today as well?"
I bought his lunch that day.

Matthew 22:39 is weighing heavily on my heart lately. I love my self a little too much and I'm feeling convicted. What a blessing.

thanks-giving

2009-11-30T12:28:00.000-06:00

This year the holiday looked different: instead of packing our bags to travel home, we were dusting shelves and mopping floors. My parents arrived first on Thanksgiving morning, then my brother and his fiance, then two of my work-family: Cathy and Jesse. We cooked, baked, ate, laughed, reminisced, ate again, cleaned, relaxed, and were satisfied.

I loved entertaining, cooking the meal for the first time, and getting to be part of two peoples first thanksgiving (both originally from Taiwan). It was wonderful staying in the home we have been blessed with, and getting to create memories.

What a fantastic weekend.

Now back in the routine of life. I am two weeks from finishing another semester of English classes. I feel as if I was just complaining of being without my friends and students, and am close to singing that same sad tune again.

There is a fear that creeps in with the thought of an empty slot in my Monday-night schedule. A fear of how I'll spend my time and wondering if it'll be as fulfilling. I already look forward to spring, new faces and old lesson plans.

And so the cycle repeats...

2009-11-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just dream about going. I want to travel the world in the most unconventional ways and see it from the ground up. I want to live it, experience it with no help, no assistance...I want to climb it's winding roads with aching joints, worn out shoes, and an eager spirit.

Often I loath the things that tie me down. I am bound by things that will not last and will not keep. I am fenced in by my own expectations.

And I'm not sure how you approach this discontent... It's just one more hurdle keeping me here.

Oh buddy

2009-10-26T13:10:00.001-05:00

Why are you so muddy?

Due to an unfortunate circumstance, I lost my partner for the Muddy Buddy a mere two weeks before the event. I found myself scrambling to find someone, fortunately my dad stepped in and did what Dad's do best - seize opportunities where they can outshine their children (all Dad's do this, right?). Well pride got my father to Dallas and Sunday we strapped on our oldest, most worn out shoes and our least favorite shirts and headed to a 7 mile stretch of mud, open fields, paved hilly roads, and obstacles.

The race was a blast, my Dad did put me in my place. We didn't place high...in fact I'd rather just emphasize that we didn't place last, nor were we disqualified--and that is a true victory in itself.

I have a theory that iPhones don't work well muddy, so the only picture I have is post race and post shower, however from my stupidly-cheesy smile you can tell I was satisfied with my accomplishment.

mmmm Sunday

2009-10-04T21:26:00.001-05:00

The smell of vanilla bean permeates as the flicker from a single flame bounces off the walls exposing hidden cob webs in the corners of the room.

Beautiful old voices bounce off the hard wood floors with the subtle cracks and pops from the record player acting as the sole reminder that the jazz band is not playing live in the living room.

Days like today I find refuge in home.

The cool breeze outside reminds me that fall has come...that the seasons are changing and so are the things for which my heart longs.

Today I crave solitude. Today I crave simplistic comforts: cold hard wood floors, soft blankets and pillows, sweet music, and a puppy I call "Peach" to share this moment.

I hope this Texas fall will stay for awhile.

2009-09-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

There is something about old things that always gets my attention. I have a fond admiration for antiques, worn out vintage clothing, dilapidated buildings, and rusty old vehicles. I find things charming that you may pay no heed...and that's okay.

Well let me tell you, back in high school I was obsessed with the idea of getting a 2002 BMW. Before you point out the contradiction between the previous statement and the one I just made, I specifically fell in love with the 1974 2002 BMW. Something about that adorable petite box with wheels tugged at my heart strings. My dreams where wrecked when my parents said "no" due to the lack of safety features required the day it was built.

I have since replaced that fondness with another box...this time it's the Mini Rover, although an Austin would be okay too. Again I find myself dreaming of speeding down highways, the wind in my hair, as I enjoy something that was someone's prize possession 20 years ago.

So pardon me while I dream for a little while...but if you want, I will invite you along for the ride.

2009-09-15T11:27:00.001-05:00

I want to boast today about my friend Sara.
We met by a calling to get more involved, which led to me following her and letting her teach.
She is guarded, and is tactful in the way she reacts as to not show her flaws. She is beautiful because she is broken. She forgets that grace abounds, that true friends won't abandon her, and that she is loved.
She is slow to reach out because when she loves, she loves big. She falls hard. With the strength of a child she dusts off her wounds and runs full speed, never phased.
Her wisdom is inspiring.
Her laughter is infectious.
One day she will look in the mirror and see the beauty that we are in awe of.
There are no others.
She is one of a kind.
She is genuine.

I am thankful for that.

going green-er

2009-09-08T16:57:00.000-05:00

I think of going green and get overwhelmed with not knowing where to start, how to start, or what to do second.

Having decided to be more earth-friendly and improve my inheritance for the next generation, I have come up with a couple small steps to get the ball rolling. I'm really not sure what to do next or how to do it, so I'm hoping to get some gentle pushes in the right direction. I will need the help.

Step numero uno: re-useable food and drink storage. This means lunch boxes, tubs for sandwiches, and travel coffee mugs.

2nd: I want to build a compost pile. Numerous concerns have been thrown my way (biggest complain being critters). I need to find out how to do this with a small back yard. Help!

3rd: Re-useable napkins. I am such a waster when it comes to paper napkins and paper towels. I want cloth napkins and wash cloths (This will be on my Christmas list!).

I remember the commercials during childhood that would ask us to "Reduce, reuse, and recycle" -- what happened to those? Well one step to reusing is a wonderful thing called craigslist! Rob will joke that over half our home is someone's old throw-aways, I want to be proud of that! Reupholstery is something I've taken up (pictures soon) as a way to make something beautiful that might have otherwise ended up in a dump.

Already I worry about criticism, about trying to be green but not being green enough, however today I've decided that any step I make will be better than the path I'm on. I hope this works.

Moved

2009-08-12T17:05:00.000-05:00

Question: What is a movement in classical music?

Answer: A movement is a self-contained work separated by silence within a larger work. Usually, each movement is distinguishable by its tempo, key, rhythmical patterns, and harmonization.

I have taken to listening to classical music while working. My complete knowledge of music was learned in a single class in college, which has left me with little understanding but a greater appreciation for music.

Often, a composer will complete a musical thought without ending the song. An outburst of strings, horns, and cymbals will slowly stop playing, and in that silence they will pick back up with something new. These "false endings" are known as movements, which are known to happen a time or two within a single work.

I can't help but think of Solomon talking about the changing of the seasons, and the parallels that movements make. Movements can be seen in my life where slowly the Orchestrator slows the music to an inaudible level only to come in with a new tune, a new tempo. The low hum of the cello hovers, the vibrations felt in your fingertips, gradually a lone french horn bounces through as a team of violins reach their highest notes in juxtaposition of the low notes being emitted from the oboes, clarinets, and bass. Collectively each instrument and the sound it makes works in unison towards a larger objective to create a larger work.

cry about it

2009-08-03T16:41:00.001-05:00

I think it's funny that us girls can make our sole objective to cry. Friday I was driving home from work and I thought "I want to watch the Notebook and cry for awhile"
Yes, its true, that is exactly what I thought. I replaced the movie a couple times and tried out Big Fish and Moulin Rouge ...but the Notebook always came out on top, I wonder if my mind had decided I would have the best cry from that movie, or if I was just a sucker for a happy-ending love story.

As of late

2009-07-07T16:48:00.001-05:00

What a difficult 6 months this has been! I'm worn out, weary, but still fighting.
I've found refuge in things I never imagined myself enjoying:

Running: at the end of the day I find myself eager for my trip to the gym. There is something soul-satisfying about testing the limits of my body.

Cleaning: I hate doing the dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping... I love coming home to a clean house with clear counter tops and remotes nice stowed away.

Listening: all too easily I am overcome by daily tasks that I forget to enjoy the moment. I've purchased a record player, followed by a trip to goodwill. Now my evenings have beautiful soundtracks with Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, and Billie Holiday.

Anger

2009-06-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

Anger is one emotion I don't entertain. While this cost me hours of sitting in a chair awkwardly answering the questions of a stranger, it was interesting to find out why I avoid it at all cost. You see, when I think of anger I think of harsh words, threats, and undoubtedly some inanimate object being flung as far as the person can throw (paying no heed to what may get in its way). I cannot describe myself as being angry, instead I try to reframe the situation and I dress up my emotions by using words like "upset" or "unhappy." However, the root of my emotion is always anger although not to the extent it was shown to me, but I fail to leave the emotion there...

Because I avoid anger, I've been forced to forgive. Funny isn't it? I would argue that the opposite of anger isn't happiness but it's forgiveness. Anger deprives an individual of emotions one could experience. If you're cold it's not hot, if its light it's not dark, if you're angry you're not forgiving. Right?

I want to leap out of this page and really talk to you about this. What does the anger you hold on to keep you from doing? What good is your anger serving you?

I'm not saying don't get angry or upset, but use it or lose it. Anger over discontent can be a beautiful thing, it can spark change and bring you to a better place. But anger for the sake of being mistreated holds you back from the potential you have. You may never feel the one who has angered you deserves forgiveness but that's the beauty of mercy.

a servants heart

2009-05-26T16:43:00.001-05:00

My next neighbor is one of the friendliest men I've ever met. He always smiles and waves when I pass by, and if I'm within ear shot he always asks about my day. Monday I was sitting in my living room wasting the hours reworking my resume when the dog started barking, which is unusual. I went outside to see what the dog had heard, and I saw my neighbor had backed his truck into the driveway and was picking up discarded branches in our yard.

I appreciated it. You see, I had no way of disposing of the branches and had instead left them in a pile to tend to "one day." He brought over weed killer and tended to some lawn work that had been neglected, and asked if I needed any other help.

I don't have some conclusion to draw or fancy ending to put you in awe. Instead I was just impressed and humbled by one man's thoughtfulness and wanted to share.

2009-05-04T12:29:00.000-05:00

I read this to make me think a little different. I get wrapped up in his choice of words and use of imagery. I get a little lost half way through and find myself going on my own mindless tangents. I appreciate that.

http://www.freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/

Oh my Alex, where have you been!

Well, Blog, working. There is something satisfying about hitting the bed at the end of the day knowing I worked hard. But today will be the first day in awhile where I won't go to class directly from work. My students will be enjoying their families today. I look forward to September when I get to go back. When I get to hear about everyones break.

Israa spent her days convincing me that I should move to the middle east where I could make $90K working as an English translator, and they would even train me. What a fantastic job...but to move away from this? To leave Vickery Meadows, to leave my class of 19, no thanks. I said I'd rather help teach her the English she needs to know so she can return and pursue that opportunity. I like that idea much more.

So 4 months....4 months! What to do...

I guess run

a true story

2009-03-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

A real text conversation between Robin and I:

Robin: How old is the chicken and rice in the fridge
Alex: ...thats not chicken, its tuna, and about two weeks
Robin: Oh, so I probably shouldn't eat it
Alex: No, please don't. Nothing is eatable in the fridge

adolecent wisdom

2009-03-03T22:17:00.000-06:00

I can remember back to the days of pre-k, drawing a picture of a person: two eyes, two ears, a mouth...but I always left off the nose, I didn't like them. I believed we would look best without a nose.

I'm thinking that I couldn't have been too far off the mark, because even now as I suffer through allergy season, I think how great it would be to be nose-less.

Blessed

2009-02-24T15:42:00.001-06:00

I am so blessed: with good health, an open schedule, and amazing opportunities.

Youth Group: I love their hearts, and I love their honesty. I'm slowly meeting the kids and am amazed by their confidence and eager spirits. I'm not really feeling apart of anything there but am okay with where I stand. I'll be patient.

ESL Class: Every day without fail I am exhausted by 5. By the time I get to class and students start to trickle in, my energy rises. By 9 I'm on could nine. I love my students and I love seeing them learn. I am thankful for the situation.

Half Marathon: I've been working closely with CiCi to work out fundraisers and am enjoying the process (although a little stressed about time). I've been met with some negative attitudes about my fundraising goal and have to fight letting that mood take control. Ultimately if I don't reach my fundraising goal I won't run, I will still have raised money for digestive diseases. I need to be okay with that.

Rob built me a website, you can see it here: www.my13miles.com

on my heart

2009-02-09T22:17:00.000-06:00

Alma was the first to arrive, I sat at a front desk with my books spread out, doing a poor job hiding the fact I was overwhelmed. In her beautiful thick accent she welcomed me but was too shy to engage in much of a conversation. I told her I had never taught before and that it was my first time to Vickery Meadows, she said she was happy to have me and thought class was fun.

Today I stepped outside of myself and got to give whole heartily to this group of strangers.

For the next couple months I'll be teaching this fantastic group English. I'm blessed.

help please

2009-02-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

Please explain why the closest parking spaces to the front door of the gym are always taken.

Am I the only one who thinks we should be parking in the back?

Firewheel Fellowship

2009-01-25T15:01:00.000-06:00

I've gone to a new church for the past month, today I went to their formal "get to know us" class. The road to finding a new church home has been incredibly tough and discouraging but finally the discontent with the other churches paid off and I'm feeling part of something bigger. At first I was far too critical and thought "well at the Village they..." and would complete that with a statement that would make it entirely impossible for this other church to compare. Today I realized that a certain degree of discontent is a beautiful reminder that I'm not going to feel at home anywhere, and that church is not designed for my comfort.

So I met with Jeff Kinkade and said, "Thank you for preaching on the topics that don't have me going home feeling good about myself" -- he laughed. I wasn't kidding.

I talked to Chad and explained my desire to work with the teenagers. I admitted my inexperience of doing the whole church thing in high school, but did stress that I have experience being a teenage girl. With a big smile he said, "Would you want to go to Ecuador?" Things are going to work out beautifully.

It feels good to know I'm going to settle down for a bit. I want to root myself here.

he thought it first

2009-01-20T12:57:00.000-06:00

Horror movies bother me.

I love a suspenseful, gory story line. I love demented characters, twisted thoughts, and grotesque actions. I love how vulnerable fear leaves you.

What don't like is knowing that someone had those thoughts in their head before they ever made it on the movie screen.

2009-01-17T21:40:00.001-06:00

I have this friend who always disappears, but, without fail, always shows up when I need him close. I'm thankful for that.

Sunday Morning

2009-01-13T16:25:00.000-06:00

The cement floor was cold against my knees. I could hear the shuffle of people making their way through the aisles and out of the room. There was the echoing of a voice asking another, "is she okay?." The question bounced through the nearly deserted room, under chairs to where I was.

There was something incredibly humbling about letting go in that moment. I was broken and without words: I didn't know what to ask, I didn't know what to say. I prayed "Lord, I want to be authentic."

a new life

2009-01-02T22:45:00.000-06:00

6 months and 27 days later I found out what had caused my blood clot: I am positive for Factor V Leiden.

In the realm of bad news, this wouldn't even make the list. This is completely manageable and non threatening (providing I'm diligent about responding to warning signs), but there is something about being diagnosed that is tough. I, personally, don't like the lack of control in this situation. I didn't choose this. I wouldn't choose this. And now this is another part of me...I am Factor V Leiden.

2008-12-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

Spent the weekend playing

Never taken to photography, just a bug maybe?

So these are the best

Dear Santa

2008-12-18T11:43:00.000-06:00

I've been a good girl, and well...I'd like to take my snooping to the next level. Please think of me this holiday season...

worn out

2008-12-16T10:39:00.001-06:00

I can't hide my emotions, and very seldom is this a problem. I prefer that people know how I'm feeling, as I wouldn't want them putting on a face around me. There are times and places that this is inappropriate, but for the most part, if I'm having a tough day I'll just come out and tell you.

And today is that day.

I absolutely forget about the seriousness of blood clots. Because all of my limbs are fully functional and I have a smile on my face, I figure I'm as healthy as the person next to me. The reality is a bit different. I suffer from extreme exhaustion, although this is something I do an okay job of hiding, it is seldom that I like to be outside of my home after 9pm, waking up in the morning is always difficult, and I haven't had a good nights rest in well over 8 years. My veins have a hard time pumping the necessary blood to my extremedities so the act of sitting often leaves me in pain as my body screams out its desire for me to position myself in a way that aids in this process. I have a swollen leg and arm, proof that my internal roadways resemble Dallas traffic, and a constant reminder that my recovery process is not going according to plan.
I like to imagine that everyone goes in for weekly blood tests, and have their doctor on speed dial. I don't want to be the only one of my friends who's doctor office know them by first name alone and who's records never actually get filed in the appropriate spot because of being a "special case."

Today I'm feeling alone in this. I'm feeling misunderstood. I'm worn out and desperate for some kind of relief.

They were right

2008-12-10T12:41:00.001-06:00

picture by Ciarán Butler. A fantastic photographer and an even cooler friend.

sweet sweet memories.

I was told when going to Ireland that I wasn't going for long enough...and they were right. I'm a week from my return and I've already planned my return.

http://adidasdublinmarathon.ie/

I'm running for my survival. I'm running for awareness. I believe in spreading the word about DVT. I'm running for a reason.

----------------------------------------------------------

Update: I was a bit presumptious to think I could get in shape for a full marathon by the fall so this wonderful goal has been pushed aside for the time being. I have opted for a more reasonable distance that I'll discuss at a later date.

pictures

2008-12-04T21:28:00.000-06:00

View from afar

2008-12-02T20:40:00.000-06:00

Today I ventured to Killiney Hill. The train ride probably took about 20 minutes. After walking through a wonderful neighborhood, slowly up a hill, we arrived at the park. The grass was so green, the trees were practically bare, the weather couldn't have been better, and the skies were cloudy. As I reached the top, this is what I got to see:

It was a perfect way to finish a wonderful trip. Time to come home. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Texas.

Red Ribbon

2008-12-01T13:43:00.000-06:00

Hoards of people were walking down the streets, carrying modest size boxes of red ribbons for World AIDS Day. It was great to see. Those are the people that I don't mind inturrupting me while I enjoy my time alone on Dublin streets.

www.worldaidsday.org

always look up

2008-12-01T10:20:00.001-06:00

"Always look up" was by far the best advice I have received on this trip.

The buildings here are absolutely sunning at eye level, but even more magnificent as you gaze up.

I am loving my trip. I adore the people here, the city, the atmosphere, the aesthetics. I enjoy the culture, the weather, the accents (!!).

I have a day and a half left and will leave here having felt accomplished. This has been ideal. perfect. successful.

leaving on a jet plane

2008-11-24T12:36:00.000-06:00

I am 3 days from my journey, and 4 days from my arrival. I find myself overwhelmed with the uncertainty of it all, which got me to thinking:

Why do I waste my time worrying about the things I can't control as if I'm ever in a situation where I have complete control?

Sometimes I forget how little I am and I struggle to see beyond myself. I'm there now. So once again, I'm left thinking "I need this." I need this.

I will attempt to update the progress of my trip here. Not much is charted, so its hard to say how often I will get on....it could be daily. It could be once I'm back in the states. Whatever the case I will not deprive you of pictures and a story or two.

Simply amazing

2008-11-19T12:11:00.000-06:00

I have a friend who inspires me, his art is absolutely amazing and his technique is genius. I was searching the web and found his old blog (that had been abondened after only 4 posts). His last post has stuck with me since I've read it. I will copy it below...

For more information on the artist, visit:
www.bramblitt.net

Jacqi and I delivered paintings last weekend for a show that I'm having in Lake Charles, LA, and today we hung some paintings for a show that I'm having at the Loophole here in Denton. At both places they asked me where I learned to paint, and I told them that I learned to paint originally from the creative writing courses that I take at UNT, and the response was, "oh, so you are self-taught." Not that they were being disparaging in any way, but I'm asked that question a lot and it got me to thinking.

I explained my feelings that, as far as I have seen, art classes and writing classes cover a lot of the same material, and that in my opinion I have had some excellent art classes -- I just wasn't holding a brush at the time. The terms used are often different, a foil in literature is a term used when two characters have qualities that offset each other and intensify the qualities in each other - like the brave hero of the story who may have a cowardly sidekick. In painting the term of this concept is complementary colors, where one color is in stark contrast to another color and therefore intensifies both -- such as when red is placed next to green. The truth is that if you were to read a book on painting theory and one on writing theory at the same time you might feel as if you're reading the same book.

One thing that I hear over and over again in books on both painting and writing is that you can't be taught how to paint or write creatively. The only way to learn is through doing; books and classes are important because they give you ideas, but the ideas do you no good if you never put them into practice. To me this means that everyone is self-taught on a very real level. If a person could master material by just signing up for a class then every student would be an expert in every class that they attended. We know that this is not true, that to make a good grade you have to put in the effort. I think that sometimes people get confused and feel that that the school is more important, but I feel that it is the effort that is most crucial.

I have another problem with the idea that in order to excel in something you have to be taught it first, and that is when someone is doing something completely new. If I had to wait for someone to teach me to paint I would have waited a lifetime. There are no visual arts schools for the visually impaired, at least not yet. I think that instruction is important, I plan to teach someday myself, I just don't think the emphasis should be on the teaching, but rather on the learning.

art in its rawest form

2008-11-10T16:01:00.000-06:00

Saturday I went to Temple Beth Shalom in Austin for Nic's Bar Mitzvah. Absolutely everything I know about the Jewish faith has come from my 10 year friendship with CiCi, and even then I realized Saturday that I don't know much. So I sat in the synagogue holding my prayer book upside down and backwards wondering what I was about to witness.

At 13 Nic can read, speak, and write in Hebrew. He spoke with such eloquence and confidence I was a proud "mom." I remember how painful it was for him to do his studies, but how easily it came to him. It was amazing that Saturday was a testament to his hard work.

During the Bar Mitzvah the Rabbi brought in the Torah and handed it to Nic's grandfather, who handed it to his grandmother, who handed it to his mother, and then to his father. It was then that the Torah was handed from Nic's father directly to Nic. Nic, who stands maybe 5'2 and probably 100lbs, was there holding up the massive weight of the Torah. Leaned against his chest and resting on his right shoulder, he carried the weight through the seats of family and friends, who would touch the Torah with their tallit or their prayer book. After he had circled the room he brought the Torah to the front altar and read Genesis 12:1-6, 15:1-5, and then Isaiah 41:8-14, all read in Hebrew. Following the readings Nic gave his thoughts on what he had read, which was then followed by the Rabbi's comments.

The symbolism of it all had me in tears.

Jordan (Nic's younger sister) and I used to play a game. We would get a blank piece of paper and I would draw an arbitrary design, Jordan would copy my act by creating her own design on top of mine. It would be my turn again and I would repeat the process just as Jordan would. Gradually our designs would intertwine and would develop into a picture. Initially our actions were based off of what each of us saw in the picture, however as the size and details of the designed progressed it would eventually form into something we both recognized, it was at that point that we would take turns adding the details to finalize our picture.

At 13, Nic is no longer that blank piece of paper, he has a foundation of where he stands and who he is, and now over time he will have friends, peers, strangers, and family all come in and out of his life leaving their own impression. At times Nic's interactions may alter his beliefs, while at others it will strengthen them, however each will play an important role in the ultimate determination of who he is and what he stands for. This is what I took from the Bar Mitzvah at least...

starting with a string instrument...ending in another country?

2008-11-04T12:14:00.001-06:00

The order was placed and a mere five days later it arrived. Jon Bowermaster's latest book, "Descending the Dragon." I was surprised that the book was not a few hundred pages as hoped for, it has a meek 140 pages, and even then some pages are deprived of text and instead have magnificent photographs of Vietnam. I am not disappointed.

The book was to be saved for my trip, but the size was bigger than I had imagined. It does fit in my purse, but then, what doesn't? I convinced myself it was best I read it now. I will work on my patience later.

I quickly fall in love with books about travel. Donald Miller has a book called "through painted deserts," which apparently was his first attempt at writing a Christian novel, but as he later describes, instead it was just a book about his travels and God played his normal role in the background. The theme I liked most in the book was that much of his travel was uncharted until he was in the moment. The same applies for Jon Bowermaster: he wanted to reshape Americans view of Vietnam and more importantly, wanted to reshape the Vietnamese view of Americans. His destination was set, his limitations implemented from the government, and the rest was just to see what happens. I love that.

So in my typical fickle fashion, I now want to work for National Geographic. Yup...what a dream. I've never wanted to travel until now. Correction: I've always wanted to travel, I've just never been willing to give up the comforts on my extra plush bed, my sweet dog, my late night television, and my familiar surroundings. I suppose I'll need a talent now: I imagine it shouldn't be too hard to master AP (erasing APA will probably be more difficult), maybe learn how to work a camera (once attempted and quickly put down), get a degree in international relations..learn a couple new languages... what do I need to do to get there? I figure I could start on something even if to put it down a couple weeks later. I think my bachelors will help. Yes...surely I'm on the right track.

PS, Robin doesn't know this yet but I'm getting my violin soon. Yup, he is going to find it in his heart to let me make this purchase...more importantly, he is going to give in and deal with having to listen to me learn. If I can learn how to play violin, surely I can travel with national geographic. Right? .... Right?

2008-10-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

I am who I think you think I am

-L. Byers

Sweet escape

2008-10-25T07:15:00.000-05:00

The day came when I had to officialy retire my generation 2 iPod nano. The greif over my lost love was quickly replaced with the addition of my latest best friend. She is spunky and sleek, and can actually hold my entire music library (which isn't that extensive) plus all of my podcasts (which is extensive) and she still has room for movies.

When November 27 comes and I'm going to spend a total of 13 hours on the journey from Dallas to Chicago to Dublin, my recent purchase will help keep me busy. The last purchase that needs to be made, you ask, is "Descending the Dragon" by Jon Bowermaster. Only then, ladies and gentlemen, will I truely be ready for this trip of a lifetime.

I'm going to Ireland!

2008-10-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

I absolutely love roller coasters but HATE being on them. I will take my seat, and as the roller coaster ascends the track, with each click of the chain pulling us upward my anticipation grows. I think about how I love that I can see for miles, I like that this is a deviation from my daily routine, and I like that I'm about to take full advantage of gravity...and it's in that moment, where I reach the end of the monstrous peak that I have complete regret. I despise that I thought the roller coaster was a good idea, I hate that I am about to go plunging downward on a cart attached to other carts with complete strangers, I am upset that I chose to end my life doing something so stupid. Obviously I always end the ride climbing out of my seat in one piece, thankful that my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I slowly regain my balance and it takes a short while for my stomach to stop turning, but just a few minutes later I'm always ready to attempt the death-defying stunt yet again.

Fairy Tales

2008-10-12T09:52:00.001-05:00

Victoria is now 3 (holy crap), and convinced that she is Snow White. In fact, her mom bought her a snow white dress and it is the only item Victoria ever wants to wear. She lives in this world where she is a princess, good always triumphs over evil, and love is never ceasing. She believes you can instantly become friends with strangers (7 little strangers at that), and that its okay to break into song regardless of the setting.

I wonder why we grow out of the stage where loving Disney is acceptable. The innocence is refreshing, and the story lines always leave us slightly envious.

I, personally, wouldn't mind being woken by a charming, dragon-slaying prince. Thats a real man if you ask me.

So today Snow White and Sleeping Beauty have a play date. Its okay to be jealous.

dream destination

2008-10-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

I dream of rolling hills, green grass, and stars shining brighter than I have seen. I dream of being completely and utterly alone in a foreign place. I want to be abandoned with nothing more than a sketchpad and my pastels. I want different smells, different sights, different weather, different people. I want to get away.

I want to grow old and laugh about the time I was 24 and left the country because I thought I could run away from my troubles. I want to tell you about how God placed me exactly where I needed to be in that moment. I want to tell you I found clarity.

For being an indecisive person, I actually think I've made a decision. I want to go.

How did this happen?

2008-09-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

She is 2.5lbs of bad attitude. She is a rebel at heart and won't take no for an answer. She'll tease your dog, ruin your favorite dress, and eat your dinner when you're not looking. She's not social, in fact she avoids you at all costs. If it can break, she's already broken it. She loves the one you hate most and I'm pretty sure she laughs to herself when she sees the jealousy in your eyes.

But when you wake up in the middle of the night and she is laying next to you, soaking up every ounce of body heat you project, its hard not to love this little devil.

discouraged

2008-08-29T12:34:00.001-05:00

I am almost 3 months in: 3 blood clots later and the meds still aren't working. They assure me that this is normal but they don't hide the truth too well in their voices. I know that the reality is that this puts me at risk. I'm not fearful, just discouraged.

5 kittens and a mama cat have moved into our backyard. I'm pretty positive that if you could catch the orange and white kitten I would magically heal. Please do this asap.

because I said I would

2008-08-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

I have been told I'm a phony and that it doesn't count. Maybe they were right...

In a week I will experience my 24th year of existence. In a week my brother will experience his 24th year of existence.

Yes, we are twins.

I have a circle of friends who are twins as well, creepy, I know. However the difference between them and my brother and I is that they are all identical twins and we are fraternal. Because my brother and I are not a mirror image of one another (thank god) -- it doesn't count. Because our friends will never mistake one of us for the other -- it makes us frauds. You can tell us apart in baby photos, we have different facial features and body types, and sadly we can't read each other's minds.

So, truth be told, I too have always wondered what it would be like to be a twin. But the real kind, not a phony like me.

exhausted

2008-07-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

I'm exhausted. When I do nothing, I'm exhausted. When I get lots of sleep, I'm exhausted. And today I found out that this will be my life for the next 7 months. Driving home Monday, I had the ac below freezing and the radio blaring, and still I had to focus to stay awake. This is bordering unmanageable. Pain is manageable, swelling is manageable, emotions are tough but manageable. This whole exhaustion is getting the best of me.

Life changing

2008-06-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

Going through a death-was-another-route-this-could-have-taken experience has really opened my eyes to the love I am surrounded by. I am thankful for friends and family. And this is what has struck a cord with me:

"I'm praying for you" is such a common comment, however there are other acceptable responses that you seldom hear, for instance: "I put my trust in your capable doctor" or "your medicine will work" or even "you have a wonderful close family who well help with this tough time". The only factor that can improve my situation is God, and I love that. I have to put my faith in God and to know I'm being lifted up by so many is moving.

I know this is probably one of those things that the average person realized when they were 10. I'm okay with being 23 and just now realizing that in these tough times, people realize how little control us people have. In fact, I really do prefer that my future is not in the hands of man...

peace out.

On a serious note

2008-06-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

Why do we say "everything will be okay?" I'm alright with things getting harder, my skin is tougher than I've shown this past week. The reality is that things aren't going to be okay, that my future plans are going to change, and that I haven't been through the worst.

Adult things

2008-05-04T18:16:00.000-05:00

There are memos that people just forget to send me, you know, those things that everyone is just supposed to know. Things like the salt they put on icy streets will destroy the paint on your vehicle if you don't wash it off within a reasonable time, or that broccoli is a good source of calcium. (I'd name more if I could think of any). Last night Robin and I had an old neighbor over, and after I had peeled the potatoes for the mashed potatoes I was making, I just dumped the extras down the disposal. Shortly after dinner Robin went to rinse off our plates and noticed that the disposal and drain weren't working properly, instead there was this amazing yet disgusting mini tornado happening in our kitchen sink. Robin, in an obviously frustrated tone asked me what I put down the drain, and I simply and casually said, "potato peels." His temper rose and he said, "Everybody knows you don't put potato peels down the drain!" and proceeded on to a mini lecture in front of our guest. All of a sudden I burst into laughter, the kind where you just can't hold it in and it feels like its never going to stop. All I could think was "seriously, you can't put potato peels down the disposal?!" The logic still escapes me. I wish I got the memo...

I'm thankful for friends who get me

2008-04-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

LirSudi: hey, so you know how you were saying that you know someone who is a hypochondriac.. I feel the same way sometimes, but about myself
LirSudi: like do you ever wonder if you made up the pain you think you're experiencing?
CiCi: lol
CiCi: some times!
LirSudi: like with my arms...I was thinking "i'm just imagining they're turning brown"
LirSudi: or when the dr was pushing on my ribs I was thinking "does this hurt or do I think it should hurt so I think I'm experiencing pain"
LirSudi: like I have a fear of being a hypochondriac
LirSudi: wonder what you call that
CiCi: i don't know!
LirSudi: am I just crazy?
LirSudi: its okay if I am
LirSudi: I just always get that fear that I'm making stuff up at the dr
LirSudi: I figure drs have to be skeptical of what people tell them
LirSudi: and for whatever reason I assume that means I'm going to lie
CiCi: i think dr's get to know their patients and are skeptical of some and trusting of others.
LirSudi: I mean, you go to the dr b/c youre sick
CiCi: lol yes you do!
LirSudi: lol, well I mean you go b/c youre sick but maybe you feel you really have to prove it so you exaggerate the truth
LirSudi: ugh
LirSudi: I'm a fraud
LirSudi: a liar
LirSudi: lol
CiCi: lol!
CiCi: i was that way when I couldn't control my blinking yesterday...
CiCi: i was trying so hard not to blink b/c i didn't know if i was just thinking about blinking so hard that it was happening or not...
LirSudi: lol
LirSudi: yeah! I completely understand!
LirSudi: which that reminds me:
LirSudi: why is it after you do the large breathing in and out for the doctor and then they say "breathe normal" you have to really concentrate on breathing normal
LirSudi: is it just me?
LirSudi: lol
LirSudi: bc I'm going to be sad if other people don't have this problem
CiCi: lol no i do to!