This week things have moved a little slower. There has been no rush to finish our meals, instead we relish in our time together and take the time to talk about all the things on our minds. Warm holiday wishes are shared to all with our coming and going.

Small towns are lined with snow, car doors are left unlocked, and you enter all homes through the side door.

This has been a change in scenery and attitude.

This holiday has been much needed.

Looking around the Interweb I found this gem:

This is Casper, and this friendly ghost is holding his momentary pet, which happens to be my favorite episode. Growing up whenever I visited my grandparents I would spend my days re-watching a collection of Casper VHS's neatly stowed away underneath the TV. The fox episode was always my favorite.

This Christmas season I am traveling over the river and through the woods to visit Grandma and Granddaddy again. I'm a bit nervous about the hop-scotching across multiple states, more for the stress of my body than the stress on my car or mental state. I look forward to this journey. I hope there is snow and my own little fox waiting for me at the end.

Utterly honest

But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:34-39, ESV

The other week a homeless man sat in his wheelchair at the entrance of a popular restaurant in the area. Cars would turn in from the busy street and would have to quickly steer away to avoid hitting him. My first thought, to be utterly honest, was "I wonder if he's here everyday?" all thought with a tone of who is he to expect to get free handouts daily. I was humbled with an answer: "Didn't you eat yesterday? Are you not hungry today as well?"
I bought his lunch that day.


Matthew 22:39 is weighing heavily on my heart lately. I love my self a little too much and I'm feeling convicted. What a blessing.

thanks-giving

This year the holiday looked different: instead of packing our bags to travel home, we were dusting shelves and mopping floors. My parents arrived first on Thanksgiving morning, then my brother and his fiance, then two of my work-family: Cathy and Jesse. We cooked, baked, ate, laughed, reminisced, ate again, cleaned, relaxed, and were satisfied.

I loved entertaining, cooking the meal for the first time, and getting to be part of two peoples first thanksgiving (both originally from Taiwan). It was wonderful staying in the home we have been blessed with, and getting to create memories.

What a fantastic weekend.

Now back in the routine of life. I am two weeks from finishing another semester of English classes. I feel as if I was just complaining of being without my friends and students, and am close to singing that same sad tune again.

There is a fear that creeps in with the thought of an empty slot in my Monday-night schedule. A fear of how I'll spend my time and wondering if it'll be as fulfilling. I already look forward to spring, new faces and old lesson plans.

And so the cycle repeats...

Sometimes I just dream about going. I want to travel the world in the most unconventional ways and see it from the ground up. I want to live it, experience it with no help, no assistance...I want to climb it's winding roads with aching joints, worn out shoes, and an eager spirit.

Often I loath the things that tie me down. I am bound by things that will not last and will not keep. I am fenced in by my own expectations.

And I'm not sure how you approach this discontent... It's just one more hurdle keeping me here.

Oh buddy

Why are you so muddy?

Due to an unfortunate circumstance, I lost my partner for the Muddy Buddy a mere two weeks before the event. I found myself scrambling to find someone, fortunately my dad stepped in and did what Dad's do best - seize opportunities where they can outshine their children (all Dad's do this, right?). Well pride got my father to Dallas and Sunday we strapped on our oldest, most worn out shoes and our least favorite shirts and headed to a 7 mile stretch of mud, open fields, paved hilly roads, and obstacles.

The race was a blast, my Dad did put me in my place. We didn't place high...in fact I'd rather just emphasize that we didn't place last, nor were we disqualified--and that is a true victory in itself.

I have a theory that iPhones don't work well muddy, so the only picture I have is post race and post shower, however from my stupidly-cheesy smile you can tell I was satisfied with my accomplishment.

mmmm Sunday

The smell of vanilla bean permeates as the flicker from a single flame bounces off the walls exposing hidden cob webs in the corners of the room.

Beautiful old voices bounce off the hard wood floors with the subtle cracks and pops from the record player acting as the sole reminder that the jazz band is not playing live in the living room.

Days like today I find refuge in home.

The cool breeze outside reminds me that fall has come...that the seasons are changing and so are the things for which my heart longs.

Today I crave solitude. Today I crave simplistic comforts: cold hard wood floors, soft blankets and pillows, sweet music, and a puppy I call "Peach" to share this moment.

I hope this Texas fall will stay for awhile.

There is something about old things that always gets my attention. I have a fond admiration for antiques, worn out vintage clothing, dilapidated buildings, and rusty old vehicles. I find things charming that you may pay no heed...and that's okay.

Well let me tell you, back in high school I was obsessed with the idea of getting a 2002 BMW. Before you point out the contradiction between the previous statement and the one I just made, I specifically fell in love with the 1974 2002 BMW. Something about that adorable petite box with wheels tugged at my heart strings. My dreams where wrecked when my parents said "no" due to the lack of safety features required the day it was built.

I have since replaced that fondness with another box...this time it's the Mini Rover, although an Austin would be okay too. Again I find myself dreaming of speeding down highways, the wind in my hair, as I enjoy something that was someone's prize possession 20 years ago.

So pardon me while I dream for a little while...but if you want, I will invite you along for the ride.

I want to boast today about my friend Sara.
We met by a calling to get more involved, which led to me following her and letting her teach.
She is guarded, and is tactful in the way she reacts as to not show her flaws. She is beautiful because she is broken. She forgets that grace abounds, that true friends won't abandon her, and that she is loved.
She is slow to reach out because when she loves, she loves big. She falls hard. With the strength of a child she dusts off her wounds and runs full speed, never phased.
Her wisdom is inspiring.
Her laughter is infectious.
One day she will look in the mirror and see the beauty that we are in awe of.
There are no others.
She is one of a kind.
She is genuine.

I am thankful for that.

going green-er

I think of going green and get overwhelmed with not knowing where to start, how to start, or what to do second.

Having decided to be more earth-friendly and improve my inheritance for the next generation, I have come up with a couple small steps to get the ball rolling. I'm really not sure what to do next or how to do it, so I'm hoping to get some gentle pushes in the right direction. I will need the help.

Step numero uno: re-useable food and drink storage. This means lunch boxes, tubs for sandwiches, and travel coffee mugs.

2nd: I want to build a compost pile. Numerous concerns have been thrown my way (biggest complain being critters). I need to find out how to do this with a small back yard. Help!

3rd: Re-useable napkins. I am such a waster when it comes to paper napkins and paper towels. I want cloth napkins and wash cloths (This will be on my Christmas list!).

I remember the commercials during childhood that would ask us to "Reduce, reuse, and recycle" -- what happened to those? Well one step to reusing is a wonderful thing called craigslist! Rob will joke that over half our home is someone's old throw-aways, I want to be proud of that! Reupholstery is something I've taken up (pictures soon) as a way to make something beautiful that might have otherwise ended up in a dump.

Already I worry about criticism, about trying to be green but not being green enough, however today I've decided that any step I make will be better than the path I'm on. I hope this works.

Moved

Question: What is a movement in classical music?

Answer: A movement is a self-contained work separated by silence within a larger work. Usually, each movement is distinguishable by its tempo, key, rhythmical patterns, and harmonization.

I have taken to listening to classical music while working. My complete knowledge of music was learned in a single class in college, which has left me with little understanding but a greater appreciation for music.

Often, a composer will complete a musical thought without ending the song. An outburst of strings, horns, and cymbals will slowly stop playing, and in that silence they will pick back up with something new. These "false endings" are known as movements, which are known to happen a time or two within a single work.

I can't help but think of Solomon talking about the changing of the seasons, and the parallels that movements make. Movements can be seen in my life where slowly the Orchestrator slows the music to an inaudible level only to come in with a new tune, a new tempo. The low hum of the cello hovers, the vibrations felt in your fingertips, gradually a lone french horn bounces through as a team of violins reach their highest notes in juxtaposition of the low notes being emitted from the oboes, clarinets, and bass. Collectively each instrument and the sound it makes works in unison towards a larger objective to create a larger work.

cry about it

I think it's funny that us girls can make our sole objective to cry. Friday I was driving home from work and I thought "I want to watch the Notebook and cry for awhile"
Yes, its true, that is exactly what I thought. I replaced the movie a couple times and tried out Big Fish and Moulin Rouge ...but the Notebook always came out on top, I wonder if my mind had decided I would have the best cry from that movie, or if I was just a sucker for a happy-ending love story.

As of late

What a difficult 6 months this has been! I'm worn out, weary, but still fighting.
I've found refuge in things I never imagined myself enjoying:

Running: at the end of the day I find myself eager for my trip to the gym. There is something soul-satisfying about testing the limits of my body.

Cleaning: I hate doing the dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping... I love coming home to a clean house with clear counter tops and remotes nice stowed away.

Listening: all too easily I am overcome by daily tasks that I forget to enjoy the moment. I've purchased a record player, followed by a trip to goodwill. Now my evenings have beautiful soundtracks with Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, and Billie Holiday.

Anger

Anger is one emotion I don't entertain. While this cost me hours of sitting in a chair awkwardly answering the questions of a stranger, it was interesting to find out why I avoid it at all cost. You see, when I think of anger I think of harsh words, threats, and undoubtedly some inanimate object being flung as far as the person can throw (paying no heed to what may get in its way). I cannot describe myself as being angry, instead I try to reframe the situation and I dress up my emotions by using words like "upset" or "unhappy." However, the root of my emotion is always anger although not to the extent it was shown to me, but I fail to leave the emotion there...

Because I avoid anger, I've been forced to forgive. Funny isn't it? I would argue that the opposite of anger isn't happiness but it's forgiveness. Anger deprives an individual of emotions one could experience. If you're cold it's not hot, if its light it's not dark, if you're angry you're not forgiving. Right?

I want to leap out of this page and really talk to you about this. What does the anger you hold on to keep you from doing? What good is your anger serving you?

I'm not saying don't get angry or upset, but use it or lose it. Anger over discontent can be a beautiful thing, it can spark change and bring you to a better place. But anger for the sake of being mistreated holds you back from the potential you have. You may never feel the one who has angered you deserves forgiveness but that's the beauty of mercy.

a servants heart

My next neighbor is one of the friendliest men I've ever met. He always smiles and waves when I pass by, and if I'm within ear shot he always asks about my day. Monday I was sitting in my living room wasting the hours reworking my resume when the dog started barking, which is unusual. I went outside to see what the dog had heard, and I saw my neighbor had backed his truck into the driveway and was picking up discarded branches in our yard.

I appreciated it. You see, I had no way of disposing of the branches and had instead left them in a pile to tend to "one day." He brought over weed killer and tended to some lawn work that had been neglected, and asked if I needed any other help.

I don't have some conclusion to draw or fancy ending to put you in awe. Instead I was just impressed and humbled by one man's thoughtfulness and wanted to share.

I read this to make me think a little different. I get wrapped up in his choice of words and use of imagery. I get a little lost half way through and find myself going on my own mindless tangents. I appreciate that.

http://www.freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/



Oh my Alex, where have you been!

Well, Blog, working. There is something satisfying about hitting the bed at the end of the day knowing I worked hard. But today will be the first day in awhile where I won't go to class directly from work. My students will be enjoying their families today. I look forward to September when I get to go back. When I get to hear about everyones break.

Israa spent her days convincing me that I should move to the middle east where I could make $90K working as an English translator, and they would even train me. What a fantastic job...but to move away from this? To leave Vickery Meadows, to leave my class of 19, no thanks. I said I'd rather help teach her the English she needs to know so she can return and pursue that opportunity. I like that idea much more.

So 4 months....4 months! What to do...




I guess run

a true story

A real text conversation between Robin and I:

Robin: How old is the chicken and rice in the fridge
Alex: ...thats not chicken, its tuna, and about two weeks
Robin: Oh, so I probably shouldn't eat it
Alex: No, please don't. Nothing is eatable in the fridge

adolecent wisdom

I can remember back to the days of pre-k, drawing a picture of a person: two eyes, two ears, a mouth...but I always left off the nose, I didn't like them. I believed we would look best without a nose.

I'm thinking that I couldn't have been too far off the mark, because even now as I suffer through allergy season, I think how great it would be to be nose-less.

Blessed

I am so blessed: with good health, an open schedule, and amazing opportunities.

Youth Group: I love their hearts, and I love their honesty. I'm slowly meeting the kids and am amazed by their confidence and eager spirits. I'm not really feeling apart of anything there but am okay with where I stand. I'll be patient.

ESL Class: Every day without fail I am exhausted by 5. By the time I get to class and students start to trickle in, my energy rises. By 9 I'm on could nine. I love my students and I love seeing them learn. I am thankful for the situation.

Half Marathon: I've been working closely with CiCi to work out fundraisers and am enjoying the process (although a little stressed about time). I've been met with some negative attitudes about my fundraising goal and have to fight letting that mood take control. Ultimately if I don't reach my fundraising goal I won't run, I will still have raised money for digestive diseases. I need to be okay with that.

Rob built me a website, you can see it here: www.my13miles.com

on my heart

Alma was the first to arrive, I sat at a front desk with my books spread out, doing a poor job hiding the fact I was overwhelmed. In her beautiful thick accent she welcomed me but was too shy to engage in much of a conversation. I told her I had never taught before and that it was my first time to Vickery Meadows, she said she was happy to have me and thought class was fun.

Today I stepped outside of myself and got to give whole heartily to this group of strangers.

For the next couple months I'll be teaching this fantastic group English. I'm blessed.

help please

Please explain why the closest parking spaces to the front door of the gym are always taken.

Am I the only one who thinks we should be parking in the back?

Firewheel Fellowship

I've gone to a new church for the past month, today I went to their formal "get to know us" class. The road to finding a new church home has been incredibly tough and discouraging but finally the discontent with the other churches paid off and I'm feeling part of something bigger. At first I was far too critical and thought "well at the Village they..." and would complete that with a statement that would make it entirely impossible for this other church to compare. Today I realized that a certain degree of discontent is a beautiful reminder that I'm not going to feel at home anywhere, and that church is not designed for my comfort.

So I met with Jeff Kinkade and said, "Thank you for preaching on the topics that don't have me going home feeling good about myself" -- he laughed. I wasn't kidding.

I talked to Chad and explained my desire to work with the teenagers. I admitted my inexperience of doing the whole church thing in high school, but did stress that I have experience being a teenage girl. With a big smile he said, "Would you want to go to Ecuador?" Things are going to work out beautifully.

It feels good to know I'm going to settle down for a bit. I want to root myself here.

he thought it first

Horror movies bother me.

I love a suspenseful, gory story line. I love demented characters, twisted thoughts, and grotesque actions. I love how vulnerable fear leaves you.

What don't like is knowing that someone had those thoughts in their head before they ever made it on the movie screen.

I have this friend who always disappears, but, without fail, always shows up when I need him close. I'm thankful for that.

Sunday Morning

The cement floor was cold against my knees. I could hear the shuffle of people making their way through the aisles and out of the room. There was the echoing of a voice asking another, "is she okay?." The question bounced through the nearly deserted room, under chairs to where I was.

There was something incredibly humbling about letting go in that moment. I was broken and without words: I didn't know what to ask, I didn't know what to say. I prayed "Lord, I want to be authentic."

a new life

6 months and 27 days later I found out what had caused my blood clot: I am positive for Factor V Leiden.

In the realm of bad news, this wouldn't even make the list. This is completely manageable and non threatening (providing I'm diligent about responding to warning signs), but there is something about being diagnosed that is tough. I, personally, don't like the lack of control in this situation. I didn't choose this. I wouldn't choose this. And now this is another part of me...I am Factor V Leiden.