Spent the weekend playing

Never taken to photography, just a bug maybe?

So these are the best

Dear Santa

I've been a good girl, and well...I'd like to take my snooping to the next level. Please think of me this holiday season...

worn out

I can't hide my emotions, and very seldom is this a problem. I prefer that people know how I'm feeling, as I wouldn't want them putting on a face around me. There are times and places that this is inappropriate, but for the most part, if I'm having a tough day I'll just come out and tell you.

And today is that day.

I absolutely forget about the seriousness of blood clots. Because all of my limbs are fully functional and I have a smile on my face, I figure I'm as healthy as the person next to me. The reality is a bit different. I suffer from extreme exhaustion, although this is something I do an okay job of hiding, it is seldom that I like to be outside of my home after 9pm, waking up in the morning is always difficult, and I haven't had a good nights rest in well over 8 years. My veins have a hard time pumping the necessary blood to my extremedities so the act of sitting often leaves me in pain as my body screams out its desire for me to position myself in a way that aids in this process. I have a swollen leg and arm, proof that my internal roadways resemble Dallas traffic, and a constant reminder that my recovery process is not going according to plan.
I like to imagine that everyone goes in for weekly blood tests, and have their doctor on speed dial. I don't want to be the only one of my friends who's doctor office know them by first name alone and who's records never actually get filed in the appropriate spot because of being a "special case."

Today I'm feeling alone in this. I'm feeling misunderstood. I'm worn out and desperate for some kind of relief.

They were right

picture by Ciarán Butler. A fantastic photographer and an even cooler friend.

sweet sweet memories.

I was told when going to Ireland that I wasn't going for long enough...and they were right. I'm a week from my return and I've already planned my return.

http://adidasdublinmarathon.ie/

I'm running for my survival. I'm running for awareness. I believe in spreading the word about DVT. I'm running for a reason.

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Update: I was a bit presumptious to think I could get in shape for a full marathon by the fall so this wonderful goal has been pushed aside for the time being. I have opted for a more reasonable distance that I'll discuss at a later date.

pictures

View from afar

Today I ventured to Killiney Hill. The train ride probably took about 20 minutes. After walking through a wonderful neighborhood, slowly up a hill, we arrived at the park. The grass was so green, the trees were practically bare, the weather couldn't have been better, and the skies were cloudy. As I reached the top, this is what I got to see:







It was a perfect way to finish a wonderful trip. Time to come home. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Texas.

Red Ribbon

Hoards of people were walking down the streets, carrying modest size boxes of red ribbons for World AIDS Day. It was great to see. Those are the people that I don't mind inturrupting me while I enjoy my time alone on Dublin streets.

www.worldaidsday.org

always look up

"Always look up" was by far the best advice I have received on this trip.

The buildings here are absolutely sunning at eye level, but even more magnificent as you gaze up.

I am loving my trip. I adore the people here, the city, the atmosphere, the aesthetics. I enjoy the culture, the weather, the accents (!!).

I have a day and a half left and will leave here having felt accomplished. This has been ideal. perfect. successful.

leaving on a jet plane

I am 3 days from my journey, and 4 days from my arrival. I find myself overwhelmed with the uncertainty of it all, which got me to thinking:

Why do I waste my time worrying about the things I can't control as if I'm ever in a situation where I have complete control?

Sometimes I forget how little I am and I struggle to see beyond myself. I'm there now. So once again, I'm left thinking "I need this." I need this.

I will attempt to update the progress of my trip here. Not much is charted, so its hard to say how often I will get on....it could be daily. It could be once I'm back in the states. Whatever the case I will not deprive you of pictures and a story or two.

Simply amazing

I have a friend who inspires me, his art is absolutely amazing and his technique is genius. I was searching the web and found his old blog (that had been abondened after only 4 posts). His last post has stuck with me since I've read it. I will copy it below...

For more information on the artist, visit:
www.bramblitt.net

Jacqi and I delivered paintings last weekend for a show that I'm having in Lake Charles, LA, and today we hung some paintings for a show that I'm having at the Loophole here in Denton. At both places they asked me where I learned to paint, and I told them that I learned to paint originally from the creative writing courses that I take at UNT, and the response was, "oh, so you are self-taught." Not that they were being disparaging in any way, but I'm asked that question a lot and it got me to thinking.

I explained my feelings that, as far as I have seen, art classes and writing classes cover a lot of the same material, and that in my opinion I have had some excellent art classes -- I just wasn't holding a brush at the time. The terms used are often different, a foil in literature is a term used when two characters have qualities that offset each other and intensify the qualities in each other - like the brave hero of the story who may have a cowardly sidekick. In painting the term of this concept is complementary colors, where one color is in stark contrast to another color and therefore intensifies both -- such as when red is placed next to green. The truth is that if you were to read a book on painting theory and one on writing theory at the same time you might feel as if you're reading the same book.

One thing that I hear over and over again in books on both painting and writing is that you can't be taught how to paint or write creatively. The only way to learn is through doing; books and classes are important because they give you ideas, but the ideas do you no good if you never put them into practice. To me this means that everyone is self-taught on a very real level. If a person could master material by just signing up for a class then every student would be an expert in every class that they attended. We know that this is not true, that to make a good grade you have to put in the effort. I think that sometimes people get confused and feel that that the school is more important, but I feel that it is the effort that is most crucial.

I have another problem with the idea that in order to excel in something you have to be taught it first, and that is when someone is doing something completely new. If I had to wait for someone to teach me to paint I would have waited a lifetime. There are no visual arts schools for the visually impaired, at least not yet. I think that instruction is important, I plan to teach someday myself, I just don't think the emphasis should be on the teaching, but rather on the learning.

art in its rawest form

Saturday I went to Temple Beth Shalom in Austin for Nic's Bar Mitzvah. Absolutely everything I know about the Jewish faith has come from my 10 year friendship with CiCi, and even then I realized Saturday that I don't know much. So I sat in the synagogue holding my prayer book upside down and backwards wondering what I was about to witness.

At 13 Nic can read, speak, and write in Hebrew. He spoke with such eloquence and confidence I was a proud "mom." I remember how painful it was for him to do his studies, but how easily it came to him. It was amazing that Saturday was a testament to his hard work.

During the Bar Mitzvah the Rabbi brought in the Torah and handed it to Nic's grandfather, who handed it to his grandmother, who handed it to his mother, and then to his father. It was then that the Torah was handed from Nic's father directly to Nic. Nic, who stands maybe 5'2 and probably 100lbs, was there holding up the massive weight of the Torah. Leaned against his chest and resting on his right shoulder, he carried the weight through the seats of family and friends, who would touch the Torah with their tallit or their prayer book. After he had circled the room he brought the Torah to the front altar and read Genesis 12:1-6, 15:1-5, and then Isaiah 41:8-14, all read in Hebrew. Following the readings Nic gave his thoughts on what he had read, which was then followed by the Rabbi's comments.

The symbolism of it all had me in tears.

Jordan (Nic's younger sister) and I used to play a game. We would get a blank piece of paper and I would draw an arbitrary design, Jordan would copy my act by creating her own design on top of mine. It would be my turn again and I would repeat the process just as Jordan would. Gradually our designs would intertwine and would develop into a picture. Initially our actions were based off of what each of us saw in the picture, however as the size and details of the designed progressed it would eventually form into something we both recognized, it was at that point that we would take turns adding the details to finalize our picture.

At 13, Nic is no longer that blank piece of paper, he has a foundation of where he stands and who he is, and now over time he will have friends, peers, strangers, and family all come in and out of his life leaving their own impression. At times Nic's interactions may alter his beliefs, while at others it will strengthen them, however each will play an important role in the ultimate determination of who he is and what he stands for. This is what I took from the Bar Mitzvah at least...

starting with a string instrument...ending in another country?

The order was placed and a mere five days later it arrived. Jon Bowermaster's latest book, "Descending the Dragon." I was surprised that the book was not a few hundred pages as hoped for, it has a meek 140 pages, and even then some pages are deprived of text and instead have magnificent photographs of Vietnam. I am not disappointed.

The book was to be saved for my trip, but the size was bigger than I had imagined. It does fit in my purse, but then, what doesn't? I convinced myself it was best I read it now. I will work on my patience later.

I quickly fall in love with books about travel. Donald Miller has a book called "through painted deserts," which apparently was his first attempt at writing a Christian novel, but as he later describes, instead it was just a book about his travels and God played his normal role in the background. The theme I liked most in the book was that much of his travel was uncharted until he was in the moment. The same applies for Jon Bowermaster: he wanted to reshape Americans view of Vietnam and more importantly, wanted to reshape the Vietnamese view of Americans. His destination was set, his limitations implemented from the government, and the rest was just to see what happens. I love that.

So in my typical fickle fashion, I now want to work for National Geographic. Yup...what a dream. I've never wanted to travel until now. Correction: I've always wanted to travel, I've just never been willing to give up the comforts on my extra plush bed, my sweet dog, my late night television, and my familiar surroundings. I suppose I'll need a talent now: I imagine it shouldn't be too hard to master AP (erasing APA will probably be more difficult), maybe learn how to work a camera (once attempted and quickly put down), get a degree in international relations..learn a couple new languages... what do I need to do to get there? I figure I could start on something even if to put it down a couple weeks later. I think my bachelors will help. Yes...surely I'm on the right track.


PS, Robin doesn't know this yet but I'm getting my violin soon. Yup, he is going to find it in his heart to let me make this purchase...more importantly, he is going to give in and deal with having to listen to me learn. If I can learn how to play violin, surely I can travel with national geographic. Right? .... Right?

I am who I think you think I am

-L. Byers

Sweet escape

The day came when I had to officialy retire my generation 2 iPod nano. The greif over my lost love was quickly replaced with the addition of my latest best friend. She is spunky and sleek, and can actually hold my entire music library (which isn't that extensive) plus all of my podcasts (which is extensive) and she still has room for movies.

When November 27 comes and I'm going to spend a total of 13 hours on the journey from Dallas to Chicago to Dublin, my recent purchase will help keep me busy. The last purchase that needs to be made, you ask, is "Descending the Dragon" by Jon Bowermaster. Only then, ladies and gentlemen, will I truely be ready for this trip of a lifetime.

I'm going to Ireland!

I absolutely love roller coasters but HATE being on them. I will take my seat, and as the roller coaster ascends the track, with each click of the chain pulling us upward my anticipation grows. I think about how I love that I can see for miles, I like that this is a deviation from my daily routine, and I like that I'm about to take full advantage of gravity...and it's in that moment, where I reach the end of the monstrous peak that I have complete regret. I despise that I thought the roller coaster was a good idea, I hate that I am about to go plunging downward on a cart attached to other carts with complete strangers, I am upset that I chose to end my life doing something so stupid. Obviously I always end the ride climbing out of my seat in one piece, thankful that my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I slowly regain my balance and it takes a short while for my stomach to stop turning, but just a few minutes later I'm always ready to attempt the death-defying stunt yet again.

Fairy Tales

Victoria is now 3 (holy crap), and convinced that she is Snow White. In fact, her mom bought her a snow white dress and it is the only item Victoria ever wants to wear. She lives in this world where she is a princess, good always triumphs over evil, and love is never ceasing. She believes you can instantly become friends with strangers (7 little strangers at that), and that its okay to break into song regardless of the setting.




I wonder why we grow out of the stage where loving Disney is acceptable. The innocence is refreshing, and the story lines always leave us slightly envious.



I, personally, wouldn't mind being woken by a charming, dragon-slaying prince. Thats a real man if you ask me.



So today Snow White and Sleeping Beauty have a play date. Its okay to be jealous.

dream destination

I dream of rolling hills, green grass, and stars shining brighter than I have seen. I dream of being completely and utterly alone in a foreign place. I want to be abandoned with nothing more than a sketchpad and my pastels. I want different smells, different sights, different weather, different people. I want to get away.

I want to grow old and laugh about the time I was 24 and left the country because I thought I could run away from my troubles. I want to tell you about how God placed me exactly where I needed to be in that moment. I want to tell you I found clarity.

For being an indecisive person, I actually think I've made a decision. I want to go.

How did this happen?

She is 2.5lbs of bad attitude. She is a rebel at heart and won't take no for an answer. She'll tease your dog, ruin your favorite dress, and eat your dinner when you're not looking. She's not social, in fact she avoids you at all costs. If it can break, she's already broken it. She loves the one you hate most and I'm pretty sure she laughs to herself when she sees the jealousy in your eyes.



But when you wake up in the middle of the night and she is laying next to you, soaking up every ounce of body heat you project, its hard not to love this little devil.

discouraged

I am almost 3 months in: 3 blood clots later and the meds still aren't working. They assure me that this is normal but they don't hide the truth too well in their voices. I know that the reality is that this puts me at risk. I'm not fearful, just discouraged.

5 kittens and a mama cat have moved into our backyard. I'm pretty positive that if you could catch the orange and white kitten I would magically heal. Please do this asap.

because I said I would

I have been told I'm a phony and that it doesn't count. Maybe they were right...

In a week I will experience my 24th year of existence. In a week my brother will experience his 24th year of existence.

Yes, we are twins.

I have a circle of friends who are twins as well, creepy, I know. However the difference between them and my brother and I is that they are all identical twins and we are fraternal. Because my brother and I are not a mirror image of one another (thank god) -- it doesn't count. Because our friends will never mistake one of us for the other -- it makes us frauds. You can tell us apart in baby photos, we have different facial features and body types, and sadly we can't read each other's minds.

So, truth be told, I too have always wondered what it would be like to be a twin. But the real kind, not a phony like me.

exhausted

I'm exhausted. When I do nothing, I'm exhausted. When I get lots of sleep, I'm exhausted. And today I found out that this will be my life for the next 7 months. Driving home Monday, I had the ac below freezing and the radio blaring, and still I had to focus to stay awake. This is bordering unmanageable. Pain is manageable, swelling is manageable, emotions are tough but manageable. This whole exhaustion is getting the best of me.

Life changing

Going through a death-was-another-route-this-could-have-taken experience has really opened my eyes to the love I am surrounded by. I am thankful for friends and family. And this is what has struck a cord with me:

"I'm praying for you" is such a common comment, however there are other acceptable responses that you seldom hear, for instance: "I put my trust in your capable doctor" or "your medicine will work" or even "you have a wonderful close family who well help with this tough time". The only factor that can improve my situation is God, and I love that. I have to put my faith in God and to know I'm being lifted up by so many is moving.

I know this is probably one of those things that the average person realized when they were 10. I'm okay with being 23 and just now realizing that in these tough times, people realize how little control us people have. In fact, I really do prefer that my future is not in the hands of man...

peace out.

On a serious note

Why do we say "everything will be okay?" I'm alright with things getting harder, my skin is tougher than I've shown this past week. The reality is that things aren't going to be okay, that my future plans are going to change, and that I haven't been through the worst.

Adult things

There are memos that people just forget to send me, you know, those things that everyone is just supposed to know. Things like the salt they put on icy streets will destroy the paint on your vehicle if you don't wash it off within a reasonable time, or that broccoli is a good source of calcium. (I'd name more if I could think of any). Last night Robin and I had an old neighbor over, and after I had peeled the potatoes for the mashed potatoes I was making, I just dumped the extras down the disposal. Shortly after dinner Robin went to rinse off our plates and noticed that the disposal and drain weren't working properly, instead there was this amazing yet disgusting mini tornado happening in our kitchen sink. Robin, in an obviously frustrated tone asked me what I put down the drain, and I simply and casually said, "potato peels." His temper rose and he said, "Everybody knows you don't put potato peels down the drain!" and proceeded on to a mini lecture in front of our guest. All of a sudden I burst into laughter, the kind where you just can't hold it in and it feels like its never going to stop. All I could think was "seriously, you can't put potato peels down the disposal?!" The logic still escapes me. I wish I got the memo...

I'm thankful for friends who get me

LirSudi: hey, so you know how you were saying that you know someone who is a hypochondriac.. I feel the same way sometimes, but about myself
LirSudi: like do you ever wonder if you made up the pain you think you're experiencing?
CiCi: lol
CiCi: some times!
LirSudi: like with my arms...I was thinking "i'm just imagining they're turning brown"
LirSudi: or when the dr was pushing on my ribs I was thinking "does this hurt or do I think it should hurt so I think I'm experiencing pain"
LirSudi: like I have a fear of being a hypochondriac
LirSudi: wonder what you call that
CiCi: i don't know!
LirSudi: am I just crazy?
LirSudi: its okay if I am
LirSudi: I just always get that fear that I'm making stuff up at the dr
LirSudi: I figure drs have to be skeptical of what people tell them
LirSudi: and for whatever reason I assume that means I'm going to lie
CiCi: i think dr's get to know their patients and are skeptical of some and trusting of others.
LirSudi: I mean, you go to the dr b/c youre sick
CiCi: lol yes you do!
LirSudi: lol, well I mean you go b/c youre sick but maybe you feel you really have to prove it so you exaggerate the truth
LirSudi: ugh
LirSudi: I'm a fraud
LirSudi: a liar
LirSudi: lol
CiCi: lol!
CiCi: i was that way when I couldn't control my blinking yesterday...
CiCi: i was trying so hard not to blink b/c i didn't know if i was just thinking about blinking so hard that it was happening or not...
LirSudi: lol
LirSudi: yeah! I completely understand!
LirSudi: which that reminds me:
LirSudi: why is it after you do the large breathing in and out for the doctor and then they say "breathe normal" you have to really concentrate on breathing normal
LirSudi: is it just me?
LirSudi: lol
LirSudi: bc I'm going to be sad if other people don't have this problem
CiCi: lol no i do to!